Summer 2024 Predictions
heres whats gonna happen
We’re nearly a third into the 2024th year of Planet Earth and everything is going smoothly. Many events have transpired, in a global and local context, and we are all smarter and wiser as a result. For example, I have befriended the coyote population in my neighborhood. They are good dogs and despite my neighbors’ protests, I have been amassing power in case of an armageddon situation, and having the support of the coyotes will be major going forward. The community is pissed as fuck that they didn’t think to domesticate the coyotes first and I don’t blame them. I don’t need a doomsday bunker – I need half-breed wolves to protect me from external forces that will try to take my valuables. Most of you have made similar moves and I can’t wait to see how they pay off.
In about a month, the summer will be in full swing. People will be drinking in the streets, sleeping on the beach, and not doing their jobs. Some think that this summer will be completely unpredictable, but I have some bad news. I have received the script for Summer 2024 and I know what’s about to go down. I’ll share some, but not all, of the information I’ve received from upstairs, so that you can go into the summer a little more prepared for what is to come.
I’ll call the following “predictions”, but these are all basically confirmed. If you have any issues with this list, keep them to yourself. Reader notes are not welcome and in fact will get you doxxed and taken behind the proverbial barn.
Here we go!
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce start a podcast about being stupid
Mike Tyson and Jake Paul both die in the ring
Hannah Montana reunion
The NBA Finals will be decided by a coin flip
Google will be hacked and my search history for “Part-time jobs that pay one million dollars” will be revealed
A polar ice cap will melt but the ensuing tsunami will actually be really chill and everyone is gonna have a good time
George Lucas will hook up with one of my friends
An earthquake will split Santa Monica off from the west coast, but Biden will refuse to provide aid because he forgot and they all gonna have to live off of trees and mice
Coachella will announce a third weekend
My buddy Billy will corner the market on balsamic vinegar
Another member of the Friends cast will die… but one of them will return
I will see Kaytranada at Jon and Vinny’s
Kaytranada and I will become fast friends
Our friendship will be documented far and wide, but something happens
That something is he discovers my coyotes
Kaytranada asks me for one of my coyotes. I laugh in his freaking face
One night, while I’m snoozing and dreaming about islands, Kaytranada will break into my apartment and try to steal a coyote
Domby, my first-string coyote, will attack Kaytranada
He will escape with mild injuries
Kaytranada live stream telling the LAPD about my coyotes
The ensuing siege at my apartment will take seven days and end with me surrendering my coyotes
Little do they know that I hid Domby in the dryer and they didn’t think to check there
Domby and I will hit the road in search of a new home
Leonardo DiCaprio will marry a 75-year-old woman
My mom will get a cat
John Krasinski’s IF will start a proxy war in South America
Domby and I will make it as far as Pasadena when the police find us
However since we are in Pasadena, which has no extradition with the LAPD, we will be able to kick it there for awhile
Leonardo DiCaprio’s wife will die and he will donate her to the Santa Monica Island Nation so they can study her
He will get stuck in the ocean trying to swim to Santa Monica but will muscle it out
Domby will have puppies with a new coyote that I refuse to name out of jealousy
I stay with Domby, his wife, and his children, but they make me feel less welcome by the day
I spend $200 on eggs benedict and two Bloody Marys at a trendy brunch restaurant
Domby tells me to leave, to go home, but I refuse
Domby turns me into the police and I go to prison for couple weeks
I am banished to Santa Monica, which becomes a Riker’s Island prison colony by the Fourth of July
Leo, who is now the President of Santa Monica, will order my execution
I will tell him that I don’t want to die, plus I’m just a 21-year-old baby, and he will forgive me
Leo and I get a four bedroom apartment on Montana so we can both have offices/shred zones
My birthday is a lot of fun
I return home to find that the police that evicted me and the coyotes have all moved into my apartment
We start a company together
Company takes off with a lot of money coming in
Labor Day weekend won’t happen. It’s gonna get pushed to later
Leo marries the oldest woman in the world
I’m best man at the wedding and Tobey Maguire beats me up
It’s gonna be a hot August. Get your AC units now before the prices go up
If you’re a summer head like I am, I’m sure these predictions sent a chill up your spine, a bubbling anticipation threatening to come to the surface. Well, I am here to say that Summer 2024 will be one for the books… and it might be here sooner than you think.
Sound off in the comments if you also think this all will happen this summer.
xo